Status Joe v. 2001: A Space Odyssey

Unlike some of the movies I may end up writing about, “2001: A Space Odyssey” is absolutely amazing. Seriously, guys, if you didn’t know- I really give it a 10/10. So you may be asking yourself, “wait, if this movie is a Tenor (not explaining joke), why are there things to improve on?” The answer of course lies in the subtle nuisances that Kubrick royally fucked up.

I’m sitting there, watching this amazing movie. Loving it, if you didn’t get my earlier “Tenor” joke. And a few times the ball is dropped. I’m glad this was my first movie to scathe with harsh criticism, because I only have two-ish things to contribute that would have made this movie perfect.

After we see the ape war to end all ape wars, not counting “Planet of the Apes,” which I guess is actually the ape war to end all ape wars, we are subjected to the space age! A floating pen enraptures our mind, and as the audience, we are left in awe. I mean, shit, a floating pen! I was anyway… until that god-damn clumsy-assed flight attendant had to ruin everything. If being a flight attendant is your profession, making trips to the moon probably daily, then surely you can walk down the aisle in your gravity shoes. I understand having trouble if this was your first day on the job, but who gets picks for the Moon shuttle if they’re this clumsy? This woman has to hold onto everything imaginable just to make it to that pen, only to put it back in his pocket; the very same pocket it probably slipped out of in the first place, but I digress. Did Kubrick take this young actress aside and say, “Darling, this is your very first flight on Pan American Moon Express, so please do your best to act like this is your first rodeo.” Seriously, what if that shuttle had been full? She would have been falling into every passenger available to be bumped into. There are super models who wear high heeled shoes that the best engineers on earth design to purposely cause broken ankles who make it look like they’re walking on air. Learn how to walk while soaring through space already!

Now I could complain about how silly it is that a well-trained astronaut would forget his helmet during an emergency space mission to save a colleague. Durrr. I can sufficiently rationalize this by guessing he was hell-bent on rescuing the lifeless corpse of his amigo (even though he was eerily calm during the entirety of the rescue mission). So, what the hell, bro? Bring your damn helmet next time.

These people are supposedly the brightest bi-pedals in existence, all congregated into a conference room to deliberate the greatest scientific discovery since the dawn of man… and their chairs take up 50% of the room! First, Dr. Floyd gets up to make his super “Alpha” speech, followed by some other assholes, and the entire time, they’re doing their best not to fall over themselves navigating these blue chair monuments. Seriously?! It’s the frickin’ future, people, get some ergonomic chairs already! That hover or something. And serve you a constant stream of hydrating alcohol. Yeah, alcohol that inebriates, but doesn’t dehyrdrate. Jesus, it’s 2001 if you’ve forgotten.

Oh, I’m entirely whipped out by this article already, I mean, who can write this much? But there is one last thing that bugs me. Floyd the Alpha (as previously noted) is leading the expedition to the SUPER SECRET moon monolith THAT NO ONE IS SUPPOSED TO KNOW ABOUT! They came up with this amazing “epidemic” cover story just to keep that shit underwraps, yo. What do we see when they get there? A perfectly manicured construction area, complete with bright power lamps and wheelchair friendly access ramps, but no one was supposed to know… No one except the day-laborers they pick up outside of Moon Depot. Seriously, you think scientists could arrange that place the way it looked?

And that’s it folks, besides those few things I talked about, not a bad movie at all.