Status Joe v. The Usual Suspects

Keyser Soze… Key-ser So-ze… Ranked as the 48^th best villain in AMC’s 100 best heroes and villains. He certainly is memorable, very memorable. I like the character. I like his lore. What I don’t like is how the entire movie is based around this devil, but does a terrible job building any sort of suspense. I hope that even a Keyser Soze appreciator like Bill Simmons can appreciate that while the mystique was well presented, the movie is horribly done and has very little kick in a moment when it was supposed to be a knockout punch.

Any movie that Stephen Baldwin acts well in is a movie that I put on my radar. And he really does a great job. The more I think about how great he did, the more my hairs start to rise and I wonder what con I’m falling into. It’s shifty and I don’t trust it.

Roger ‘Verbal’ Kint is a cool cat. I knew what he was hiding as soon as he compared his coffee to what it was like in Guatemala. The tell-tale about that little quip is that it was either witty fabrication or the truth. Both ruined the movie immediately, on the spot for me, I knew too much. If it’s a lie, then he said it very calmly and with intent, someone who knows more than he is letting on.. KEYSER SOZE! If he was telling the truth, then what the fuck was doing in Guatemala.. wait.. KEYSER SOZE!

Now you could argue that Kint actually got away on the boat and that he was being released in two hours because Soze knew where he was and wanted him delivered to him so he could swiftly be dealt with. Naw.. don’t buy it. Why would Soze waste resources getting the Governor on the phone to release him when he could have just let Kint stay in jail, and paid some inmate a pack of cigarettes to shank him? No.. none of it makes sense. The only person who could have had Kint out of there was Keyser Soze himself! Kint is Keyser Soze.. Keyser Soze is Kint.. I’m going to throw up. As soon as we heard about the devil Soze is, what he does, how he does it, you really think Kint slipped through his fingers on the boat? No.. that wouldn’t be like Soze, to mess up like that and leave loose ends. Unless Soze was…

Finally, the scene that completely ruined the movie for me… when the Turkish OG was telling the sketch artist what Keyser Soze looked like, but we didn’t see a finished work until the end. Now why did it take the whole movie to finish that sketch? I wonder. So that was it. “Game over, man!” They might as well have ended the movie right there. Mystery solved. The only point was finishing the movie, see some cool gunfights, I guess. Seriously, my 4-year-old brother has more surprises up his sleeve than this movie. 

Status Joe v. Citizen Kane

Recently watched this masterpiece and it was amazing. I was so nervous and anxiety ridden since it’s regarded as the top or recently, second from the top film of all-time. What if I didn’t get it? What if I hated it? What if I yawned? Oh, deary me, what would I have done? Pretended to like it, do my best fake orgasm whenever it’s mentioned? Use more question marks?

As you can see, I was trepid going up to it, but I watched it and loved it. My god, what a masterpiece! Beautifully written.

But I wouldn’t be doing my job if I didn’t find anything wrong with it. I found one thing. One thing I couldn’t get past.

During the scene when Kane’s mother is giving him away to grow up in high society with his vast wealth, she opens the window to call to him. And then never closes it! She leaves it open! Now… let’s look at this more closely. The year Kane’s mother gives him away is 1871. Just after the civil war. Now, mankind has been around for a while, knew how to survive and get by, but in no way did central heating exist in 1871. Especially if it’s the middle of winter in Little Salem, Colorado! I’m pretty sure you huddle up and do your best to survive any and all blizzards. Making it to the spring is a testament to the hard work you went through in the winter just to survive that long! I highly doubt you go about willy nilly taking your precious heat for granted. Maybe she opens the window to yell at him, but how can she not immediately close it as soon as she’s done? Tsk tsk.

And that’s all I have to say about that. 

Status Joe v. Highlander

I’ll admit I originally did not want to write about this movie. It’d be a book worth of faults. This is one of the most hilariously bad movies I’ve ever seen in my life. However, as I got closer and closer to the end of the thing, the more I realized how amazing concept is. Therefore, without making fun of it too much or pointing out the bad writing, characters, acting, or overall story—I do believe I have some plot holes that would have this movie a bit more palatable.

Ok—I was going to start out with my chin up, but I can’t write another word until I mention how ridiculous it is that Sean Connery plays a man named Juan Sanchez Villa-Lobos Ramirez, and I’ll admit, decent mustachioed appearance, but with a perfect Scottish accent. While in the highlands of Scotland! At one point I thought they were going to make his character deeper, when he quips that he was Egyptian, perhaps alluding to him maybe being from Scotland, and being that he is such an old immortal, that he now no longer has a homeland. We find out later that Connor MacLeod goes through many name changes of his own, becoming “Nash” in the present version of events. I can’t in good faith fully buy into Connery’s character doing that, because the Kurgan refers to him as “Ramirez” before he cuts him. In a “nice to see you old friend” kind-of-way… what the fuck, Hollywood? Just let Connery do whatever he wants.

Back to some of the main points.

When the Kurgan kills Ramirez, he claims how much he wants MacLeod, and after having his way with his wife, he bolts and we get no sense that the two ever saw each other again until 1986 when he comes out of nowhere to try and kill “Nash.” How can you go so long without finding someone?

Later, in the church, MacLeod comments of the neck wound that Ramirez gave the Kurgan, how did he know it was Ramirez? He never saw the Kurgan after that until the present day encounter, and his wife never told him about it, we presume. How?!

Towards the end of the movie, we see a newspaper headline that reads, “Headhunter 3, Police 0,” but up until that point, the present day had only seen the opening scene of MacLeod ending that suit guys immortality, and the Kurgan killing the black dude. Ball dropped.

I could come up with more, but that would involve watching the movie again, not until I’m drunk. See you next week with “Highlander 2.” 

Status Joe v. 2001: A Space Odyssey

Unlike some of the movies I may end up writing about, “2001: A Space Odyssey” is absolutely amazing. Seriously, guys, if you didn’t know- I really give it a 10/10. So you may be asking yourself, “wait, if this movie is a Tenor (not explaining joke), why are there things to improve on?” The answer of course lies in the subtle nuisances that Kubrick royally fucked up.

I’m sitting there, watching this amazing movie. Loving it, if you didn’t get my earlier “Tenor” joke. And a few times the ball is dropped. I’m glad this was my first movie to scathe with harsh criticism, because I only have two-ish things to contribute that would have made this movie perfect.

After we see the ape war to end all ape wars, not counting “Planet of the Apes,” which I guess is actually the ape war to end all ape wars, we are subjected to the space age! A floating pen enraptures our mind, and as the audience, we are left in awe. I mean, shit, a floating pen! I was anyway… until that god-damn clumsy-assed flight attendant had to ruin everything. If being a flight attendant is your profession, making trips to the moon probably daily, then surely you can walk down the aisle in your gravity shoes. I understand having trouble if this was your first day on the job, but who gets picks for the Moon shuttle if they’re this clumsy? This woman has to hold onto everything imaginable just to make it to that pen, only to put it back in his pocket; the very same pocket it probably slipped out of in the first place, but I digress. Did Kubrick take this young actress aside and say, “Darling, this is your very first flight on Pan American Moon Express, so please do your best to act like this is your first rodeo.” Seriously, what if that shuttle had been full? She would have been falling into every passenger available to be bumped into. There are super models who wear high heeled shoes that the best engineers on earth design to purposely cause broken ankles who make it look like they’re walking on air. Learn how to walk while soaring through space already!

Now I could complain about how silly it is that a well-trained astronaut would forget his helmet during an emergency space mission to save a colleague. Durrr. I can sufficiently rationalize this by guessing he was hell-bent on rescuing the lifeless corpse of his amigo (even though he was eerily calm during the entirety of the rescue mission). So, what the hell, bro? Bring your damn helmet next time.

These people are supposedly the brightest bi-pedals in existence, all congregated into a conference room to deliberate the greatest scientific discovery since the dawn of man… and their chairs take up 50% of the room! First, Dr. Floyd gets up to make his super “Alpha” speech, followed by some other assholes, and the entire time, they’re doing their best not to fall over themselves navigating these blue chair monuments. Seriously?! It’s the frickin’ future, people, get some ergonomic chairs already! That hover or something. And serve you a constant stream of hydrating alcohol. Yeah, alcohol that inebriates, but doesn’t dehyrdrate. Jesus, it’s 2001 if you’ve forgotten.

Oh, I’m entirely whipped out by this article already, I mean, who can write this much? But there is one last thing that bugs me. Floyd the Alpha (as previously noted) is leading the expedition to the SUPER SECRET moon monolith THAT NO ONE IS SUPPOSED TO KNOW ABOUT! They came up with this amazing “epidemic” cover story just to keep that shit underwraps, yo. What do we see when they get there? A perfectly manicured construction area, complete with bright power lamps and wheelchair friendly access ramps, but no one was supposed to know… No one except the day-laborers they pick up outside of Moon Depot. Seriously, you think scientists could arrange that place the way it looked?

And that’s it folks, besides those few things I talked about, not a bad movie at all.